Updated: Jul 18, 2020
In the beginning, my guard was up because I had no intention or plan to open up or blossom like a flower as I did. Or for my layers to peel away like an Artichoke- not an onion. An onion is empty with nothing left when the layers are peeled away. Artichoke has a heart. That is me, but that wasn't always me. It took a while for me to learn that my heart's blood was still warm because I convinced myself that it was cold. I drowned myself in my writing because I learned that most couldn't handle my words, my truth, my emotions-hell; I could barely handle them MYSELF. How could I expect anyone else to? All I had ever done was hurt others with MY thoughts, MY perception of THEM, AND THE TRUTH ABOUT ME. Do you think you can handle the truth? Your truth? Of who YOU are? Nah. Probably not. Well, here is mine:
I may be blunt, I may be goofy, playful, and everything. At the end of the day, I am an emotional person. I get scared of MY OWN emotions sometimes, scared that I will emotionally react wrong or scared to make the wrong decisions OUT OF emotions. I like to be in control of things because I know that when I do it, I will give it MY BEST. At one point, I loved to be in control of what PEOPLE THOUGHT OF ME. WHEW! Did you hear that? Deep huh. I know I am not the only one who has felt that way. So I shared with them only WHAT I WANTED THEM TO KNOW and shared the rest with my journals. I was scared that I would no longer be in control of MY IDENTITY and people would only remember the bad even when the good outweighed it. My NEW TRUTH is- I don't care what people think of me anymore BECAUSE God, writing, and therapy have been my main piece; and writing IS my peace. For so long, I have suffered silently, alone...... in my writing......
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